He could not explain the obtrusive commercial element engrossing the television in his environmentally friendly, loft-style suite. “Always low prices. Always.”
“Always low prices, indeed!” thought Ralph Nader with a snarl. “I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again! ‘Wal-Mart is a cancer on the economy!’”
Ralph quickly left the room in a huff and ventured toward the island in his kitchen—a regular paradise surrounded by a vast array of gizmos and gadgets even Bill Gates himself could not understand. On top of the center piece, in a ceramic bowl painted red, were three ripe bananas. Eagerly, Ralph pealed a banana—the plumpest in the bunch—and proceeded to engulf it like, perhaps, a gorilla in the wild, eating under immense pressure.
“Why, I wonder what the ‘Mayor of Baghdad’ would do in a time like this! This is crucial! This plague on society will not stand!” Ralph wielded his half-eaten banana in the air like some dim-witted knight’s apprentice would wield a blunt sword in the heat of battle. “By God! I’ve got to get out of here quick!”
Like Batman out of the Bat Cave, Ralph sped out of his garage and off his remote estate in a flash. He was headed for the airport.
“I have to leave the country,” he thought, as he sped down some highway not meant for human travel. “Yeah, that’ll be my salvation.”
In his newly acquired H2, Ralph flies down the highway at unclockable speeds. As the trees passing by become a blur, he pops up his handy-dandy passenger seat laptop and attempts to connect to the Internet. He wishes to check the latest news at
RalphDontRun.Net. Unfortunately for him, however, Internet Explorer seems to be down.
“Damn this thing! And damn Gates!” he screams as he quickly turns back to the road. “Ten more miles and I’ll be at the airport! That’s hardly enough time for Netscape to boot up! If only there was a browser which was both user-friendly and efficient!”
Ralph hastily shoved his laptop out of the way as he pulled into his less-than-private docking station at whatever airport he was at (we can’t exactly say or the terrorists win). A dozen or so supporters raised “Nader in 2004” signs high up in the air. With a smile, Ralph thought “Wow! Every last one of my supporters all gathered here to see me off!”
The smile faded as he realized he’d forgotten his wallet at his environmentally friendly, loft-style suite. Fortunately for him, he was wearing his favorite navy sport jacket. The same jacket he was wearing just a month ago on a flight to one of the top five major cities in the nation (again, we can’t exactly say or the terrorists win). On this specific flight, a famous ditzy celebrity spotted some dark-skinned foreigner. She threw a fit and spouted off about all of her eager-for-revenge attorneys and with that, the plane landed at the nearest airport and the poor dark-skinned man was arrested for violation of some obscure provision under the Patriot Act (later that day, some tyrannical Patriot Act Enforcer shoved bamboo shoots up his fingernails).
With a newly acquired sense of encouragement, Ralph waltzed into the airport lobby and rode the moving floor down to the popular airline that gave him a substitute ticket—given his run-in with what must have been a terrorist—on the previous flight. As he approached the airline attendant, he pulled the neatly folded ticket out of his favorite navy sport jacket and placed it firmly on the desk in front of him.
With a smirk, the airline attendant informed Ralph that the ticket “expired last week.”
“What!” started Ralph, “There’s no way this is an expired flight ticket! I received it just last month!”
“Sorry Mr. Nader—and by the way, my sister-in-law’s cousin’s boyfriend’s mother is a stocker at a Super Wal-Mart, you insensitive goon—the ticket is expired. That’s how we do things around here.”
“Oh is it?”
“Yep.”
“Okay, ma’am—and forget what I said about Wal-Mart: I was drunk—how can I purchase a new ticket?”
Suddenly, a ring was heard throughout the airport.
“What was that?!” screeched Ralph with a shudder.
“Oh. That. Yes, Mr. Nader, that is our new anti-terrorist ring. It’s supposed to deter the bastards by reminding them of…uh…something-or-other… I…I just can’t remember exactly what that something-or-other is.”
“Right. Can we just move on with the ticket?”
“Yes, Mr. Nader. Let me just connect us to the Internet. Yes, here we are. One way or roundtrip, Mr. Nader?”
“What? I thought IE was down. And there’s no way Netscape came through that fast.”
“Well of course not, sir, because we use neither. The new Firefox is both user-friendly and efficient.”
“Well, bouncing bananas!” shouted Ralph, “I suppose I’ll get that ticket yet, thanks to Firefox!”
“Yes sir, as long as you have a major credit card.” Ralph’s face became long. “You do have a major credit card don’t you Mr. Nader?”
Ralph turned pale as he did an about face and briskly exited the airport.
It is Antoine de Saint-Exupery’s birthday today. He would have been 104 years old. Despite being one of the greatest author’s I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading, he lived an extraordinary life as well. Most of us know him for The Little Prince, however, most of his other novels were related to his life as a pilot—an extremely lonely, beautiful, adventurous and strenuous life all the same. These books show us the fantasy of being a modern-day wanderer while sticking to the reality of flying at the same time.
Hi! My name's Adam Donaghey and this is my weblog. 
The Abductors (producer)
